I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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