Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
