I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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