Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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