I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize