we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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