God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
