I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sex in the backyard? Check.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
