the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
