Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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