Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
