In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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