as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
