Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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