Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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