What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
