Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My vagina is officially offended.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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