I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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