just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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