i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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