I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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