Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
