woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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