I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
