Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
