I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
