Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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