Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
