im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
