Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
