They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
