Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
