He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
