Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
