Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
