I wish I only lived at night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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