i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
