By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
