Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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