Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
