while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
