I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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