Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize