She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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