Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
