I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
