I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
