put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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