I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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