I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
