I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Me too!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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