In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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