I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I want her autograph on my taint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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