I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
