I heard we made out
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
