A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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