Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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