Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
