your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i drank out of a bidet.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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