Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
