Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
